Healing by Grace

2011-07-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

One month ago, Chad walked out of my life. The last four weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. But they have also, in a way, been transformational.

I recently wrote Chad a letter letting him know that I had fully accepted the break up for what it was and that I was, in a manner of speaking, letting him go. The letter was just as much for me as it was for him. I also took the time to write about what I had learned about myself during this past month.

“I am learning a lot about myself in this grieving process. I’ve realized I let my relationship with you base too much worth on my life. Not by your fault, but by my own. I made you my entire life and became co-dependent on you. I realize now, that I was in an unhealthy place in our relationship and I’ve got to find my true self and take care of me again. ‘Who am I, what do I like to do, what do I need to change about myself, what are my goals and what’s my plan for reaching them?’ I put too much of me into you and our relationship and I started, unknowingly in the end, resenting you for it. I’m learning that your leaving isn’t the end of me—in a way, it’s the beginning of a new life. One that is going to challenge me to go for the things I want in life and require me to step out of my comfort zone. One that will give me no choice but to put my full faith in God and believe he has the best plan for my life.”

I have been able to step back from the relationship that Chad and I had and see what was unhealthy not only in him, but in myself. I’m taking the time to work on me, realize my self worth and learn to fully trust God despite my fear about my future.

Since Chad and I have broken up, I have realized my desire for a solid group of Christian single friends—a group of people who are in the same walk of life as I am. In the loneliest of moments, I would practically beg God to bring that kind of fellowship into my life. I had to step out of my comfort zone, make a true and hearty effort, but today, he answered my prayer. Just like that. I attended the 20’s single group at Oak Hills Church this morning and almost instantly KNEW this is where God had called me to be. I connected with a few women there and am excited about the number of opportunities to serve, worship and just have fun with this group of people. Plus, the cutest guy in class sat next to ME in church and took my empty communion juice cup from me so I wouldn’t have to hold it or worry about throwing it away! (Cue the high pitched girl scream!) When you’re recently single, having just been rejected, believe me, it made me feel good that this cutie was so nice to me. I’m very excited to get to know this group and I am praying for great friendships—I pray for a soul sister or two!

Last night was Chad’s sister, Lori’s birthday party. I spent some time grieving over the loss of my relationship not only with Chad, but with her as well. I remembered past years in which I was Chad’s date to her parties and the fun that we had. And, sadly, I felt a little sorry for myself. Luckily, I had a birthday party at attend myself last night and got to spend the evening laughing and talking with some of my best girlfriends. I definitely feel God’s grace in my life. He is looking out for me.

Tuesday night, I was feeling pretty low. Tears wouldn’t stop flowing and my heart was aching. I was lonely and I missed my Chad. I had no-where else to go except scripture. Several years ago, I did an in depth bible study with my mom where we would start our personal bible study by praying that God teach us truths from his word. God spoke to me so clearly through some of those scriptures and often times I found such serene comfort. Tuesday night, I was longing for that comfort. I decided to study the book of James. I read James 1:1-12. Verses 12-13: “God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” Even though those verses spoke to me the loudest, I was left feeling like, “yeah, I know that God will use this time to bless me, but it still sucks and what I NEED is comfort.” I was still longing for God to tell me, “Jennie, I know you hurt and I know it’s hard, but I have better plans for you. Trust in me.” Frustrated, I got up to get ready for bed not feeling as though I had really been fulfilled by God’s word. As I crawled in bed, I decided to read a chapter in my book, “The Land Between”. The chapter was titled “The God Who Sees”. God decided to use one section in that chapter to speak straight to my heart.

‘If you will remember, when Moses was first commissioned to Egypt and lead the people out of slavery, the God of his fathers spoke to him from the bush that was aflame yet not consumed. Then came the words expressing the reason God had called Moses—his immense concern and compassion for the children of Jacob, oppressed under the yoke of slavery. God said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned with their suffering.” (Exodus 3:7)

I wonder if Moses wept at those words. The cries of the people had reached the heart of God, and the Creator was moved. “I have seen…I have heard…I am concerned.” I believe these words can land with powerful force when spoken over us in our times of confusion and difficulty. On occasion I have spoken these words over my congregation and asked them to receive them as words coming from their heavenly Father, words addressed to their pain and conflict. “I have seen your misery. I have heard you crying. Trust in me. I am concerned about your situation.” ’

I went to sleep that night feeling such an overwhelming sense of peace, knowing that my God had spoken straight to my heart that night. “Jennie, I know your misery, I have seen and heard you crying. I am concerned about you. Trust in me, believe in me.” Wow! What an awesome God we serve.

The Land Between

2011-06-27T18:07:00.001-07:00

I’ll remember the summer of 2011 when I’m old and grey. I’ll remember the gut-wrenching feeling of heart ache and devastation, the harsh feelings of rejection, the fear and uncertainty about my future and wondering if true happiness will ever invade my life again. Sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but when you’re in the midst of great loss, your life is very dramatic.

Grief is a cruel and unusual thing. One little scent, thought, picture, saying, song, movie, memory can bring it on in such fury that you feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach. I know you know what I mean. You know that feeling. I think everybody does.

Then there is evil Facebook, which I said I would get off, but find myself “Facebook stalking” as my friend Capri calls it. And wouldn’t you know that friends left and right are getting engaged, having beautiful babies and building beautiful homes with their beautiful husbands and posting how wonderful life is.

For so long, my life was with Chad. My future was with Chad. My holidays, birthdays, good days, bad days were with Chad. He was the man I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. It’s unspeakably hard to go from ‘man you’re going to marry’ to ‘stranger’. It’s not a physical death, but an emotional death and I believe the feelings are much the same. A huge part of my life is gone and won’t be coming back.

Within the depths of my grief, when I’m sobbing in my pillow and asking myself how this can be my reality I know no other thing to do than convince myself to have faith. Faith that God IS good, he knows the depth of my pain and that he has a plan. I have NO idea what it is, but I am having faith.

My motto is one day at a time. I’m constantly thinking, “what can I do in this moment to keep busy, find enjoyment or become a better person?” And so far, I’ve done ok.

I purchased a book called “The Land Between, Finding God in Difficult Transitions”. The land between what was and what’s to be. It’s a very uncomfortable place to be, but it’s also a place that you can choose to become stronger or weaker. I’m choosing to become stronger.

THE LAND BETWEEN

Healing by Grace

The Land Between